I expected to fail. From day one, I have been waiting for it. Honestly, though, I expected it to come in weeks 4-6 when the running times started to increase. I was sure it would happen when I got into the double digits. But it didn't. Not until today. Not until week 9 day 2 when I am just about to graduate from the program. I didn't see it coming, and when I realized what was happening, my eyes filled with tears, my heart broke, and I started to wonder what I had done wrong.
Did I psych myself out this morning when I realized that at my current pace, it would take me just over three hours of constant, consistent jogging to finish a half marathon? Maybe because I ran yesterday, and I needed to take a day to recover? Of course I wondered if I'm just not good enough to actually reach this goal. That's what failure does. It gets into your head and stands in front of all the positive words so that you can't see them. It didn't matter that I had made it this far. It only mattered that I didn't manage to own this workout, or even drag butt to the finish.
Of course, I know today wasn't an ACTUAL fail. I still managed to run over a mile, and I covered the same ground I would have if I had been running. In all honesty, I made it almost as far walking out the 30 minutes today as I did jogging it yesterday. The thing is, it really FELT like failure. I'm still not happy about it, but after spending an hour wrapped up in a blanket like a burrito, I know that life will go on. I will take tomorrow to recover, but Thursday had better look out, because I will be back out there chasing my dream.