15 Reasons I Won't Miss Apartment Living #1!!!

Well, we've made it to the last day!  The last two weeks have been fun, but as they say, you ain't seen nothin' yet!  Settle back, and away we go!

We have already established that I live in Montana.  If you've never been here, it is very rustic, mountainous, rural, and the wild animals outnumber the people.  Our apartment complex is called Hunter's Pointe.  (The extra "e" makes it classy.)  They are obviously playing to the adult male, strong, vital, woodsy, with the title.  Out in front of the office stands a great beast, a life-sized, majestic bugling bull elk! He truly is a sight to behold.  Here, I will provide photographic proof.

I can see why they chose him.  He's strong, virile, he's the jock all of the cow elk want to mate with.  Somehow that translates to a reason for people to want to live here.  Since I'm not a man, I don't really get it, but it is a very nice piece of art.

Some of you look confused.  You are wondering what the problem is because this is obviously not something I hate, so how did it manage to make it into the #1 spot on my list?  Let me explain.  The picture you are looking at is what you see as you drive into the parking lot.  There are only three buildings to the left of this, but six buildings and a majority of the parking lot to the right.  That means that most people who live in this apartment complex, and a majority of the visitors will approach the office from the right side of the entrance.  When we go in and out of the office, we are greeted by this:

That's right.  He is absolutely anatomically correct.  He's not shy either.  Rain, snow, sleet, hail.  He always puts himself out there for all the world to see.  While I'm sure the testosterone level in this place rises as men enter the parking lot, it truly isn't worth it for me to have to encounter dangling elk genitalia each time I pay my rent.  Luckily, the bank that gave us the home loan settled for a huge pendulum clock, and my days of looking at this are few.

15 Reasons I Won't Miss Apartment Living #2

Tonight's topic is one near and dear to my heart.  Well, not so much my heart as my last nerve.  Parking in my one assigned parking space is about the fastest way to flip on my "B!+ch Switch".  The only crime ahead of it is messing with my babies, so you can see what a serious offense it is.  I look at it like this: If I'm going to pay over a thousand dollars a month to live in this hole, I am at least going to have the luxury of parking in my own spot.  If you decide you can park there too, I WILL pull up behind you and block your exit.  I WILL slap a Tow Away notice on your window.  (What can I say?  Management gave me extras.  And good luck getting that bad boy off.)  I WILL report your illegally parked car to the management WHILE I am parked behind you.  And God forbid you run into me in person while any of these steps are going down.  I don't care if it's your first day moving in, your last day moving out, your mom's birthday, or your annual celebration of abundance and joy...DO NOT PARK IN MY SPOT!

I warn because I care.

15 Reasons I Won't Miss Apartment Living #3

We started looking at houses just under two months ago.  We knew we might be cutting it close because our lease here is up at the end of June.  We didn't have much choice, really.  We wanted to make the purchase coincide as closely as possible with the end of our lease because if we wanted to break the lease, we would have to magically *poof* $2250.00 into our bank account.  You heard me right.  It would cost us over two thousand dollars to break our lease.  And if we got to the end of the lease, hadn't found a house, and wanted to go month-to-month, it would cost an extra $100.00 a month.  Our money tree is a little fruitless right now, so we opted for the "time it just right" plan.  We got lucky.  Not everyone does.  Their empty pockets are the proof.

15 Reasons I Won't Miss Apartment Living #4

I have four kids between the ages of two and ten.  Each one of them is a little ball of energy and fire that needs to be released, preferably not inside.  Luckily this apartment complex has a great playground in the middle.  The only problem is this: There are so many kids who live here that never have ANY supervision that I can't let my kids go play at the playground unless I go along.  (Let me clarify something.  The 2 year old does not go anywhere without an adult.)  When we first moved in, I would let the three big kids go over to play.  I gave the oldest a watch, and they had to stay together, not talk to strangers, not go into any apartment but ours, and check in every 15 minutes.  After a few complaints from my kids about bullies and foul language, I started going down there with them.  I NEVER saw another parent at the playground.  The kids were fighting, bullying, and two boys the same age as my oldest had the dirtiest vocabulary I have ever heard.  They say things I would be mortified to hear my husband say, much less my nine year old son. 

In short, I can't even allow my kids to play outside so I can get a little housework done.  I have to go along with them and regulate behaviors so they can play in a fun, safe environment.  I'm feared by most, and hated by all, but the kids know when I am there to be respectful because I know where they all live, and I'm not afraid to go talk to their parents.  I look forward to having our own fenced in yard where our kids can play and run and not have to worry.  Until then, I will stand up and be the b!+c# of the playground.

15 Reasons I Won't Miss Apartment Living #6

I don't know about you, but I love color.  Vibrant, fluid, shining color.  As a photography major in college, I dreaded the assignments in black and white because I knew that no matter what the photos showed, they would make me feel lonely.  It was the absence of color.  I have never met anyone who, when asked to name their favorite color, proudly proclaimed, "White!".  So why is it that every apartment we have ever lived in has been ALL white? 

White walls show everything.  Every hand print.  Every splash.  Every "accidental" markering by the two year old.  Then add in the white appliances, and the white blinds, and the white, white, whhiiiiiiiiiiitttttttteeeeeeeee...  I compare it to being trapped in a Montana blizzard, only, eventually, the blizzard goes away.  However, these white walls go on for.ev.er.

Would it kill the management to step back and try something bold?  Eggshell maybe.  Or ecru.  Would tan be asking too much?  Yes.  Apparently it would.  I am so thankful that the previous owners of our house saw the beauty in color and left it instead of painting everything white.  Now if only they had left the lime green, crushed velvet, low rider sofa in the theater, we'd be in business!

15 Reasons I Won't Miss Apartment Living #7

If you are a parent, you know that one of the worst possible noises you can hear at 2:00 am is your child projectile vomiting in his bed.  However, you get up, clean up the kid, clean up the bed, throw all affected clothes and bedding in the washer, and you move on.  Unless...you live in an apartment with quiet hours. 

We are forbidden from doing anything noisy (loud music, showering, vacuuming, running washing machine or dishwasher, etc.) between 10 pm and 8 am.  This wouldn't be a problem if nothing requiring cleanup happened between those hours.  However, my husband is a restaurant manager who often spends ten hours a day in a hot kitchen.  He'd like to be able to shower when he gets home, especially in the summer, but it's always after quiet hours have begun.  And let's not even think about not being able to bathe the kid or wash the bedding from the example above.  Can you imagine the smell by the time 8 am rolled around??  Exactly. 

While I am grateful that some guidelines do exist, I think there needs to be a few exceptions.  After all, the management probably doesn't want this place to smell like vomit any more than I do.

15 Reasons I Won't Miss Apartment living #8

In yesterday's post, I talked about the cheap workmanship of these buildings.  This is the reason for today's post about listening to our neighbors, whether we want to or not.  There is very little to muffle the noise that comes from the surrounding apartments.  I am sure my neighbors can hear us, because we can hear them.  Constantly.  Upstairs and down.  The difference is, our kids are in bed by 8:30pm, whereas the next door neighbor will put her kids in bed at ten and immediately tromp up the stairs to visit the three male college students.  Within a few minutes, her kids are standing at the door screaming for her.  How do I know?  We can hear EVERYTHING.  Yes, that includes the last downstairs tenants who fought all the time.  Yes, that includes people in the parking lot coming in drunk at 2am.  Yes, sadly, that includes the extracurricular activities of the guys who live upstairs.  We. Can. Hear. Everything.

15 Reasons I Won't Miss Apartment Living #9

At the beginning of every month, someone delivers a little apartment complex newsletter to our door.  In fact, they put it directly into our apartment.  It's a task easily performed without having to open the door.  Whoever built these apartments was really thinking.  To make newsletter delivery easy and save some money, they skipped the weatherstripping around the door!  That's right.  You can easily slip two pieces of paper folded in half through between the door and the frame.  What a great idea.  After all, it's not like we live in a state where extreme temperatures are the norm...

Also, with the first cold snap each fall, the caulking around all of the bedroom windows cracks away and exposes an open hole to the outside world.  I hope the owners did something great with the money they saved in construction costs, like found a cure for AIDS, or cleaned up Africa's drinking water.

Along with our "Luxury living at affordable prices," we get the smallest, cheapest appliances on the market, the least expensive carpet available in bulk, and only one entrance/exit in the parking lot.  I hope there is never a reason for everyone to evacuate at the same time because many of us would be stuck.

In short, if you are planning to build anything that you want to advertise as "luxury," cutting corners is not the way to get it done.  People will not be happy paying high prices for shoddy workmanship.  Trust me.

15 Reasons I Won't Miss Apartment Living #10

As you enter our apartment complex, there is a big banner that hangs on building A stating "Luxury living at affordable prices."  Every time I see it, I can't help but snort.  I guess that depends on what you consider to be "luxury" and "affordable."  The fact that there is a tiny peanut shaped pool doesn't make it luxury.  Nor does the little putting green next to it, or the playground off to the west. 

On the other hand, the fact that our rent is more than our mortgage payment, combined with a second, on our last house doesn't scream affordability to me.  We pay over $1000 a month for 1300 square feet of living space.  For six people.  I know compared to third world countries this would be a mansion, and we should be happy to have a roof and all that, and we are, but for what we are paying, this place should offer amenities like free baby poop removal and a weekly massage...  Now that's luxury!

15 Reasons I Won't Miss Apartment Living #12

At the conference I just went to, one of the speakers was talking about building up your strengths.  He said that, when asked what their biggest strength is, a majority of people will say they are "a people person."  I am here to tell you that I am not a people person.  I'm good at dealing with people in a retail setting, and can be in social situations, but I really dislike being around people all the time.  With that said, I am working on making more of an effort to build relationships. 

About three weeks ago, we got new neighbors downstairs.  Any time I go out and they are on their patio I make it a point to say hello.  And every time I do, they look at me like I'm crazy and ignore me.  Needless to say, I finally stopped.  I will not miss having rude neighbors who live ten feet from me.  In our house, if the neighbors don't want to say hello, I will be fine with it because we won't be sharing a dwelling.  I will go inside, sit in my theater, or my jacuzzi tub, or on my deck and think about them, back in their box, angry about still living in an apartment.

15 Reasons I Won't Miss Apartment Living #13

Do you know what I miss the most?  My books. Some people have a few books. Some even have several books.  I, however, have a library.  Before I had a brood, I was a bookstore manager, and I took FULL advantage of my employee discount.  The downside of this is that we haven't lived anywhere in the last four years that was big enough to actually display my books.  When we move into the new house, they will have been moved four times, but never unpacked.  Apartments seem to have just enough space for the people and the essentials, and if you have anything extra (clothes, for example), you're SOL, as my mom would say. 

Don't get me wrong.  We do have a storage area (a closet) on our deck.  It has just enough square footage to house my boxed-up library.  That's why, if you look around inside, you'll see stuff stacked, crammed, hidden in any tiny available space.  It probably wouldn't be an issue if we had enough cupboards.  Or counter space.  Or another closet.  A garage maybe?

In celebration of finally being able to loose the library in the new house, I'm buying new shelves.  Take that, apartment, and shove it in your tiny little storage closet!

15 Reasons I Won't Miss Apartment Living #14

Today I'd like to discuss with you the bane of my existence with four kids in the house. Of course I mean cheap carpeting. In every apartment I have ever lived in, there has been cheap carpet in a neutral color. Neutral translates to "everything you even think about dropping or spilling is going to leave an irremovable stain because this carpet is so light in color." I'm pretty sure this is how apartments make their money. After you've had the carpets cleaned, to no avail, they get to keep a large chunk of your security deposit.

When my oldest son was 2, we moved into a new, cozy, luxury apartment. I'm not exaggerating when I say it had white carpet. Not off-white. Not eggshell or tan. W.H.I.T.E. I don't know who's idea that was, but I hope they got fired because on the morning of the second day we lived there, my precious baby smashed an entire tube of shiny maroon lipstick into the carpet. Did I mention it was white? If he had been four inches to the right, it would have gone on the linoleum floor in the bathroom. But no. Cheap white carpet. It took almost an entire can of Spot Shot (which I love and fully endorse!), but the lipstick came out! That's right. All of the lipstick came out of the cheap white carpet. Sadly, the orange juice he spilled while I was cleaning up the lipstick did not... I was beaten by a cup of orange juice on day two.

What it comes down to now is that I know that no matter where we rent, they will be keeping part of my deposit for carpet damage. I suppose with four kids I will be lucky if they don't have to replace the entire 1300 square feet of carpet.

15 Reasons I Won't Miss Apartment Living: #15

As most of you know, we are buying a house. With only 15 days until our closing date, I thought I would let you in on just a few of the reasons I am sooo excited about moving. (Because moving sucks, and I normally don't like it.)

Reason number 15 is this: We live on the 2nd floor, so our apartment is always warm. In case you didn't know, heat rises. The weather here the last few weeks has been surprisingly pleasant, so I have been opening the sliding door to let the nice, fresh air in. (The bedroom windows are too low to open for fear my kids would fall out.) The open door provides wonderful relief from the stifling air until the downstairs neighbors either a) go out on their patio directly below my open door to barbecue, or b) go out on their patio directly below my open door to smoke. In either case, the smoke wafts directly up and gets sucked into my living room. It's at this point that I have to choose between dying from smoke inhalation, or dying from heat stroke. Up to now I've chosen heat stroke, but who knows what tomorrow may bring.